i gotta go

if you have been dying to know what my thoughts were on public restrooms, today is your lucky day.

public restrooms bug me. why? read on.

first, public toilets offer a level of intimacy that i am not fond of. plain and simple, you are exposed to too much information, even if some things you can glean are interesting and even entertaining. for instance, it is a source of mild amusement that you can tell someone isn't wearing underwear with that skirt because there is no fabric swishing sound after the peeing stops and before the door opens. it is interesting to note that some people pull their pants down to their knees, while others drop them to the floor.*

but some bathroom experiences could be done without. i could live a happy life if i never heard my boss fart. note that i lay no direct blame on the boss. i'm accrediting this behavior to the training they get at executive school. i mean, they must teach you where it's appropriate to fart, and obviously a meeting room or well-trafficked office is not the proper place to rip one, so the powder room would therefore be the recommended venue to unleash your superfluous gases. although i've never been to executive school, so i couldn't say for sure.

another point of contention is the ample-to-the-point-of-wasteful use of paper towels. who needs four paper towels to dry your hands? each one is only getting 25% wet. don't you hear the chain saws buzzing away in the distant forest? haven't you heard that our environment is in dire need of co2-absorbing trees? don't you know that all the cool kids are eco-friendly?

and what about the people who pee on the seat?! words actually fail me here - i cannot properly convey how infuriating and disgusting this is. dear seat-pisser, what is your problem with sitting? don't you know that there are way more bacteria on your keyboard than your toilet seat?** sitting on a toilet seat that someone else sat on isn't gross, sitting on a toilet seat that someone else peed on is gross.

makes me wish i were a dog. see a tree, lift your leg.


*as a note to senator larry craig, dropping all the way to the floor is a good way to avoid the perils of wide stance.
**just google it, if you don't believe me. you'll find tens of thousands of articles to back me up on this.